Re: the balance between positivity and negativity

In her book Coming Home to Passion Ruth Cohn says that a healthy marital relationship requires a preponderance of positivity.

Meaning:

In our remarks, gestures, actions, and overall relational behavior we sometimes say/do positive things (help, compliments, gifts, contributions, etc.) and we sometimes, invariably, say/do negative things (criticisms, insensitivities, obstructions, etc.).

We strive to create pleasure for each other but we sometimes create pain.

Cohn says studies show that healthy and enduring relationships demonstrate about a five-to-one ratio (!) of positivity to negativity.

Naturally, if we care about our relationships we should try to avoid the latter. It might involve a certain amount of tongue biting and a considerable amount of “going the extra mile.” [Other studies indicate the remarkable fact that in a typical marital relationship each spouse will claim that they do 85% of the work, helping, and giving!]

* * * *

Anyway . . .

We need to recognize that, in general, negativity is a huge factor in human psychological life.

In order to keep organisms active, striving, interested, nature builds in pleasurable sensations and encouraging anticipations. Positivities.

Pain and frustration are inevitable negativities. But, in addition, a lot of additional negativity is involved with the human socialization process . . . where there are a lot of scolds and “don’t”s and “stop”s and “bad”s.

And beyond that is the distinctively human consciousness of precariousness, infirmity, and mortality.

The psychological negativity can manifest as anxiety and depression subjectively; hurtfulness, meanness, cruelty objectively. It’s a source of the concept of “evil.”

Children don’t have much capacity to filter all that. Adults are supposed to. Against the currents of negativity adults are expected to try:
. to cope
. to be constructive
. to maintain decorum (don’t disturb the peace)
. to sustain society (“hold up the sky”)
. to encourage others
. to create pleasure

None of us can all so consistently accentuate the positive. There’s a constant shifting, ebbing, flowing, and balancing of psychological currents.

In a human life it’s a challenge to positively find some solace, some peace, some fulfillment (“the secret of life is enjoying the passage of time”).

It helps to have a sense of humility and a sense of humor. In spite of the ubiquitous and unavoidable negativity.